How do we stop having the same argument?

Days without a reply, a concern you cannot raise, or the same argument again.

Pick the moment closest to yours: bringing something up and getting no answer, the same argument again, or going quiet yourself. Each leads to a page with a step you can take on your own. This page cannot tell you why your partner goes quiet or gets defensive.

Start from your moment: When I bring it up · The same argument again · I go quiet · Names for it · On my own

Two partners side by side, calm, a soft loop at their feet

You do not need to know why it keeps happening, or who started it, to take a first step.

Where to start

If more than one part fits, pick the question you need answered next. Related pages are linked from each, in case the first one does not fit.

When I bring it up

Where do I start when I bring something up and get no answer?

Start with what happened when you brought it up: a message read and left, days of silence, a conversation that closed, or distance over weeks. Silence alone does not show control, and it does not show that everything is fine. Silence that comes with threats, punishment for disagreeing or fear of your partner’s reaction is different.

This page cannot tell you whether what is happening is abuse. If you feel afraid, unsafe or controlled, or you are unsure, please contact a confidential support service directly rather than relying on this page to judge it. These services are independent of lovlov and are there for exactly this; lovlov is not built for it.

If you are not in danger and want to go on, start with the page below that is closest to what happened.

My partner goes silent for days after an argumentWhy does my partner go silent after an argument?Days without a reply: what to do while the question stays open.A message read, no replyMy partner read my message and didn’t replyA message shows as read and nothing comes back: what to do in the next hours.When I raise somethingHow do I bring something up without my partner getting defensive?You raise something and the conversation turns to criticism or stops.My partner is pulling away and I don’t know whyWhy is my partner pulling away?Distance over weeks: what you can and cannot read from it.

The same argument again

What if the same argument keeps coming back?

Start with what you want to know: why the same argument keeps coming back, or whether what you have tried is changing anything. If one evening out with a colleague keeps setting it off, a third page looks at that from both sides.

Why does it keep coming back?Why do we keep having the same argument?The disagreement returns and you want to understand what keeps bringing it back.Is what we tried working?We keep having the same argument. Is trying working?You have been trying for months or years and want to know whether anything is changing.My partner is upset after an evening out with a colleagueMy partner is upset that I went out with a colleagueOne evening out keeps setting off the same argument, looked at from both sides.

I go quiet

What if I am the one who goes quiet?

Start with your own response: why you may shut down in an argument, and one sentence for when your mind goes blank. Both pages start from what you can do yourself.

I shut down during argumentsWhy do I shut down during arguments?You struggle to answer and want to understand your own response and options.My mind goes blank in an argumentWhat to say when your mind goes blank in an argumentThe words go mid-argument: one sentence that keeps contact without agreeing to anything.

Names for it

Is there a name for what keeps happening?

Sometimes: these pages explain the pursue-withdraw pattern, emotional flooding and stonewalling. The first is about one person asking and the other pulling away, over and over. The other two are about feeling overwhelmed and about shutting a conversation down.

None of them can tell you what your partner feels or intends, or who is to blame.

When asking and pulling away repeatWhy does my partner pull away the more I try to talk?The more one of you asks to talk, the more the other pulls away.When you feel overwhelmedWhat is emotional flooding?A word for feeling too overwhelmed to think in an argument.When a conversation gets shut downWhat is stonewalling?What the word means, and what it does not say about a person.

On my own

What can I try on my own?

You can prepare either tool on your own: a short pause for when it gets too much, or a proposal for coming back after a break. Agreeing when to return takes both of you.

A short pause when it gets too muchI can't get a word out when we argue: what can I do?For when it gets too much to go on: a short pause to calm down, with a rough time to check in again.A plan for coming backHow do we come back after a break in an argument?The next contact is unclear: prepare a proposal alone. A shared plan needs your partner to agree too.

Next steps

Where can I go from here?

If your question is not here, browse other situations in the library or look up a word in Terms A to Z.

Up · Browse other situationsThe lovlov libraryFind another question, topic or tool.Alongside · Look up a wordTerms A to ZTerms A to Z: short explanations of words used across the library.Alongside · Explore further helpWhat to watch, read and listen to when the same argument keeps coming backChoose further reading or questions for exploring professional support.

What lovlov isn’t

It doesn’t diagnose you or your partner, or replace therapy.
It doesn’t provide crisis support or trauma treatment.
It’s not a medical device.

If you don’t feel safe, or you’re not sure, here’s where to turn →