What is emotional flooding?

Understand: the word

What does emotional flooding mean in a relationship?

In a relationship, flooding means feeling so overwhelmed during an argument, for example by your partner’s strong emotion, that you can no longer take things in.

Flooding can be quiet or loud. Some people go blank and leave the room. Others speak faster and louder, cry, or say things they do not mean.

In the example on this page, Maya and Ellis argue about Ellis’s sister staying longer; the next section shows it.

John Gottman, a couples researcher, described flooding in a theory of how marriages come apart.^[1]

Heather Foran and colleagues later built a questionnaire for flooding and tested it with 453 couples. They describe it as feeling overwhelmed by a partner’s negative emotion that seems sudden and intense, with the sense that you cannot take things in. They name escalating or withdrawing as possible reactions.^[2]

What it is not:

• being angry about something, on its own,
• being afraid of your partner,
• a planned silence meant to make a point,
• a diagnosis or a personality type.

Understand: what it looks like

What does emotional flooding look like?

Flooding can look like an argument that speeds up until one person says something big and leaves. Here is one way it could look; a scene like this does not prove that someone was flooded. Maya and Ellis are clearing up after dinner when Maya brings up Ellis’s sister.

Ellis walks out and slams the door. An hour later Ellis is calm and regrets the sentence about living together.

From the inside, flooding can feel like getting hot, a racing heart, finding it hard to focus on anything else, or words coming too fast or not at all. From the outside, Maya saw a raised voice and a slammed door.

Check first

Is it flooding, or is it fear?

Flooding and fear can look similar from the outside, but they are different questions. Flooding is about feeling overwhelmed in the argument; fear is about what you think may happen if you speak, disagree or leave. The two can also happen together.

If you are afraid of your partner, or you hold back because of what your partner might do, start there. The steps on this page are not the right place to begin.

On its own, a raised voice or a slammed door does not show flooding or fear. It also does not prove that anyone is controlling, or that anyone is safe. For Maya and Ellis, the slammed door does not show whether Ellis was flooded or whether Maya felt afraid; only each of them can say.

In a study of 233 couples, flooding was reported more in distressed couples and in couples with partner violence; the study shows a link, not a cause.^[3] That is one reason not to use the word to excuse harm.

This page cannot tell you whether what is happening is abuse. If you feel afraid, unsafe or controlled, or you are unsure, please contact a confidential support service directly rather than relying on this page to judge it. These services are independent of lovlov and are there for exactly this; lovlov is not built for it.

If your partner tells you that something you said or did frightened them, or you are concerned about your own behaviour in those moments, it is worth taking seriously. You can talk it through with a professional, on your own, now.

If you are not in danger, and the question is what happens to you or your partner in a heated moment, the rest of this page is for you.

Understand: what it cannot tell you

Does flooding mean I was wrong?

Flooding does not tell you whether you were wrong; it can help explain why thinking got harder, and it does not excuse what was said.

The word describes a state, not who was right. Sorting what happened from what it meant to you can show what needs repairing. You can use five steps: what happened, what it meant to you, what you feel now, what you feel pulled to do, and what you may need.

For the last one, a question to yourself with no right answer can help: “What did I need in that moment?”

For Ellis, the five steps could look like this:

• 1. What happened: only the facts. “Maya said I should have asked first. I said I can’t even help my sister. I said maybe we shouldn’t live together, and left.”
• 2. What it meant to Ellis: “I’m being told I’m a bad partner.”
• 3. What Ellis may feel now: unsettled, worried about the sentence, or ashamed.
• 4. What Ellis feels pulled to do: explain it away, or avoid the topic.
• 5. What Ellis may need: a question only Ellis can answer, such as “Do I need to feel trusted with my family, or do I need time to calm down before we talk?”

The facts show that Maya wanted to be asked first, and that Ellis said something about living together. They do not show that Maya called Ellis a bad partner. Ellis’s reading is a guess that has not been checked.

Other readings also fit Maya’s words: “Maya wants a say in who stays in the home Maya and Ellis share,” or “Maya was surprised by the change of plan.” Only Maya can say which is closer. Ellis can ask: “When you said you wanted to be asked, what did you mean?”

Find your situation

Which situations does the word fit?

The word can help in these situations, each with its own page:

• if the words go and you fall silent: going quiet yourself when you argue,
• if the same topic keeps setting it off: the same argument coming back,
• if raising a concern tips into an argument: a concern that turns into an argument,
• if shutting down has become a pattern: stonewalling.

Starting from your situation can help more than starting from the word.

Understand: why it happens

What causes emotional flooding?

Research links reported flooding with anger during the argument, in both partners; it does not show what causes it.

It may help to notice whether it starts when your partner gets angry, when you get angry, or both.

For Maya and Ellis, the scene shows Ellis getting louder. It does not show whether Maya was angry.

In a study of 233 couples during a ten-minute problem-solving discussion, people who reported more flooding had partners who felt and showed more anger, and were angrier themselves. Couples with at least one highly flooded partner solved the problem less well.^[3] The study cannot say which comes first.

Tiredness, stress or past experiences may also play a part. That is our suggestion, not a finding, and nothing in the scene says which applies to Ellis.

Right now: before you decide

Should I decide anything while flooded?

If you feel safe, it may help to wait with big decisions until the flooding has passed.

If you already said it, for example that you want to break up, you can tell your partner what happened, without pressure: “I said I was done when I was overwhelmed. I don’t think I meant it, and I’m sorry.” Whether to talk again stays your partner’s choice.

This is about decisions made while overwhelmed. A decision you have thought through calmly is a different situation, and regret alone does not prove that a breakup was wrong.

For Ellis, “maybe we shouldn’t live together at all” was a sentence like that.

Ending the relationship, moving out or saying “we’re done” in a flooded moment can feel completely right at the time. Research on “hot” and “cold” states suggests that people in a heated state tend to overestimate how stable their current wishes are.^[4] That research is not about couples; it is a reason for caution, not a rule.

Right now: calming down

How do I get out of emotional flooding?

If you feel safe, one option is to pause before saying more, do something that may help you settle, and repair afterwards. The studies on this page do not show how long a break at home should last, so choose a time you can keep and say it.

To make it happen less often, it can help to notice your own early signs, such as your voice getting louder or losing track of what your partner says. The calm-down pause is a step you can try on your own.

1. When it starts: say one sentence before you say something you regret.

• Say that you are too worked up to think clearly, that you need a break, and when you will be back.
• If you start thinking “we should break up”: “I’m too heated to make decisions about us right now.”
• What not to do: say “I’m done” when you only need a pause, or storm out without saying when you are back. If leaving the room would cause a new problem, you can stay nearby and stop arguing.

2. During the pause: try something that may help you settle.

• What may help: slow breathing, a slow walk, sitting somewhere quiet.
• What may not: writing messages, replaying every line, planning what to say when the argument starts again.

3. Afterwards: take back the exact words, then come back to the topic.

• Name what you said and take it back, without “but you made me say it”. If you still mean something, say that honestly instead.
• Setting: a calm moment when you both have time. Ask: “Can we talk about what I said last night?” If your partner says not now, ask when would be a better time, and leave it there.
• Then the original question, separately.
• If face to face is hard, a short message can start it: “I said things I don’t mean. I’m calmer now. Can we talk tonight?”

For Ellis, that could look like this. At the start: “I’m getting too worked up to think clearly. I need a break before I say something I regret. Can we pick this up at eight?”

Back at eight, Ellis could say: “I said maybe we shouldn’t live together. I don’t mean that, and I’m sorry I said it.” Then, separately: “Can we talk about my sister’s visit again?”

In a review of 154 studies, calming activities such as slow breathing reduced anger, while activating ones such as running or hitting a bag showed no benefit overall.^[5] It was about anger, not couples.

In a lab study, couples who had to wait before reacting, or chose to wait longer, reacted less aggressively in a lab task.^[6] It did not test a break at home or coming back to a conversation.

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Understand: related words

How is flooding different from stonewalling?

Flooding is overwhelm during an argument; stonewalling is shutting down and no longer responding.

Flooding can be one reason someone shuts down, but the two are not the same.

Flooding can also be confused with a panic attack. This page cannot tell the two apart for you; a doctor or therapist can help you look at it.