The lovlov library

Read about what you may not have been taught about relationships: patterns you may bring into a relationship, patterns that can develop between two people, and tools you can try on your own or, if both of you want to, together. The library cannot tell you why your partner does what they do.

Books on a shelf, two of them leaning toward each other

You do not need a name for what is happening to begin. Start with the moment you recognise, such as going quiet in an argument or waiting for a reply after one.

Where to start

Pick the way in that fits you. A situation you recognise can help you look at what may be going on and find a step you can take on your own. A tool gives you something to try. A term or pattern helps you name what keeps happening.

Where are you right now?

QuestionWhy do I shut down during arguments?Explore a moment of losing words and choose a step you can take yourself.QuestionWhy do we keep having the same argument?Identify what remains unsettled when the same argument returns.QuestionWhy does my partner go silent after an argument?Consider your own next decision while waiting for a reply.

SituationMy partner is upset that I went out with a colleagueLook at what may be worrying your partner after an evening with a colleague, without guessing the reason Is it this?Is my partner a narcissist?Look at concrete behaviour and support options without diagnosing your partner.

Tools to try

ToolI can't get a word out when we argue: what can I do?One sentence to prepare, a break with a time to talk again, and a way back without blaming yourself.ToolHow do we come back after a break in an argument?How to take a break in an argument and talk again later: a time to check in, reconnecting only if both feel safe and want to, and when a break is a safety issue.

Topics, patterns and terms

TopicStop the same argumentPick the moment closest to yours and go to the page with a step you can take on your own.PatternWhy does my partner pull away the more I try to talk?How asking more and pulling back can feed the same loop, why roles can switch with the topic, and the one step you can change.Terms A to ZTerms A to ZLook up a relationship word: one checked sentence, where it comes from, and what it cannot tell you.ResourcesWhat to watch, read and listen to when the same argument keeps coming back

What lovlov isn’t

It doesn’t diagnose you or your partner, or replace therapy.
It doesn’t provide crisis support or trauma treatment.
It’s not a medical device.

This page cannot tell you whether what is happening is abuse. If you feel afraid, unsafe or controlled, or you are unsure, please contact a confidential support service directly rather than relying on this page to judge it. These services are independent of lovlov and are there for exactly this; lovlov is not built for it.

Next steps

Where can I go from here?

Stop the same argument