We keep trying to stop the same argument. How do we know it is working?

What it looks like

What does it look like when it gets better, then the same argument comes back?

This made-up example shows a change that held for a week and then stopped. Your argument may be about money or texting; for Ines and Karim, who have been together for three years, it is the dishes. Three weeks ago they agreed on a short check-in every Sunday evening to sort out the chores for the week.

In the first week, the dishes were done every evening and the evenings were calmer. In the second week, on two evenings. On the third Wednesday evening, Ines walks into the kitchen and the sink is full again.

Karim goes into the other room. An hour later, Karim does the dishes without a word.

That Sunday, neither of them brings up the check-in. Ines types a note into the phone: “Week 1 good. Week 2 okay. Week 3 same as before?”

Understand: what to watch

What can I watch after an argument, instead of counting arguments?

After each argument, you can look at how it ended, how long until things felt normal again, whether you both came back to it, whether the thing you were arguing about got sorted out, and whether the change lasted.

One good week can be the start of a lasting change or a short break before the same argument, and a count of arguments may not tell the two apart. Each of the five things can mean more than one thing:

• How it ended: with a plan to come back, or because one of you walked out or gave in. A sudden end can also mean the topic was dropped, not settled.
• How long until things felt normal again: hours or days. A quicker return can be a sign of repair, or a calm that leaves the issue untouched.
• Whether you both came back to the issue: talking about the problem itself, without going back to who is to blame or who apologised first. It can also be one person who raises the issue again and again while the other answers but does not bring it up.
• Whether the thing you argued about got sorted out: beyond whether the task got done that evening. An answer reached when you are both tired can also be one person giving in.
• Whether the change lasted past one good week: and whether the arguments that still happen hurt less. A calm week can also be a busy week, or a week when the topic does not come up.

Notes like these are for you, to see the pattern, and keeping them is optional. If writing them starts to feel like building a case against your partner, you can stop.

For Ines and Karim, the note “Week 1 good. Week 2 okay. Week 3 same as before?” shows that week three was worse. It does not show what changed. The five things show more:

• How it ended: Karim left the room.
• How long until things felt normal: unclear; an hour later Karim did the dishes, and neither of them said a word.
• Coming back to the issue: neither of them did, and that Sunday the check-in did not come up.
• The open question: who keeps track is still not settled.
• Whether it lasted: the dishes were done every evening in the first week only.

How long it takes to feel normal again is worth watching. In a three-week diary study, couples felt worse on the days after an argument, and more closeness afterwards went with a quicker recovery.^[1]

In a study of young adults, when observers saw one partner let go of a lab argument more fully, the other reported more positive feelings about the relationship; the link with relationship satisfaction was weaker.^[2]

Whether the thing you argue about gets sorted out is worth watching too. In a survey of people in dating relationships, feeling that a recurring argument could be resolved went with a better relationship more closely than how often it happened.^[3]

These five things can help you judge an attempt or a kind of help.

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Understand: what you are judging

Am I judging what we tried, the help we got, or us?

Before you decide anything, it can help to name what you are judging: one attempt, a kind of help, or the relationship itself. Whether you are compatible, whether a relationship can grow stronger after years of the same pattern, or whether it is falling apart are questions about the relationship. The five things above cannot settle them.

• The attempt: did the agreed change happen, and for how long?
• The help: an exercise, a book or counselling. Did it fit what the two of you struggle with?
• The relationship: a different question with its own reasons. If that is your question, support for yourself, under more help below, can help you think it through, on your own if you prefer.

Stopping an exercise, changing the kind of help and ending the relationship are three different choices.

You can ask yourself what you need here, if anything: not being the one who keeps track, more closeness, more room, or something else.

If you want, you can ask what your partner needs for a change to work. A busy stretch, other pressures or past experiences could play a part, and only your partner can say what applies. You are not responsible for working that out, and the answer does not undo who has been keeping track so far.

For Ines and Karim, it can help to keep what happened apart from what it seemed to mean:

• What happened: the sink was full on the third Wednesday, after the Sunday agreement.
• What it may mean to Ines: “Unless I remind Karim, it will not happen.” This is Ines’s reading, built on weeks of reminding; Ines has not checked it with Karim yet.
• What Ines may feel: let down.
• What Ines feels pulled to do: raise it at once.
• What Ines may need: to be able to count on the plan. Only Ines can say whether that fits.
• Other explanations that fit the same facts: Karim may have planned to wash up later, or the two of them may have understood the Sunday agreement differently.
• What only Karim can say: what was going on for Karim when the dishes were done an hour later without a word.

In a review of ten years of research on marriage, Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury found that negative communication can be difficult to change, and that changing it does not necessarily make a relationship more satisfying.^[4] That is one reason to judge the attempt by whether the agreed change happened.

Understand: why it slips back

Why does it get better for a week and then slip back?

A change may not hold when the same thing happens again after an apology, when one person carries the whole change, or when the topic is no longer raised. You can check each of these without guessing what your partner thinks.

• The same thing again after an apology: “I’m sorry” can be sincere and still be followed by the same evening. You can watch the week after as well as the words.
• Only one person carrying the change: if you remind, plan and check, the change is resting on you, and you can only carry your own part.
• A quieter argument because the topic is no longer raised: if one of you stops raising it, the argument gets shorter and the issue can stay open.

For Ines and Karim, the reminding rests on Ines, who says it in the kitchen: “I don’t want to be the one who keeps track of it.”

A change can also slip because of skill, time, pressure from outside or a difference that one agreement cannot settle; the guide to repeated arguments looks at these. Whether your partner is willing stays unknown from this alone; what you can judge is whether the agreed change happened.

An argument that keeps coming back does not, on its own, show whether you are safe. If raising the topic again feels unsafe, or you are afraid of being watched, punished or threatened for disagreeing, the steps on this page are not the place to start.

This page cannot tell you whether what is happening is abuse. If you feel afraid, unsafe or controlled, or you are unsure, please contact a confidential support service directly rather than relying on this page to judge it. These services are independent of lovlov and are there for exactly this; lovlov is not built for it.

If you are not in danger and raising the topic feels safe, the rest of this page can help with the next step.

Right now: your next step

Do we try again, take a break or stop?

You can take a break from this attempt or stop it now; if you want to try again, one option is one change with a date to look back. What has already happened counts, and you do not need another try before deciding.

A break can mean putting the topic down for a while. You can agree a time to come back to it (see how to pause and come back), or decide later whether to come back to it at all.

If you try again, there are two kinds of change:

• A change in routine: one thing that happens differently, without one of you having to remind the other.
• A change in what you talk about: what the task means to each of you, such as being able to rely on each other or not having to remind.

On the date you set, you can look at whether the change happened, and whether either of you still had to remind, plan or check. Then you can keep the change, change the attempt, take a break or stop. You can set that date alone, even if your partner does not join.

More than one of these dates can give you a clearer picture of whether the change is holding.

For Ines and Karim, the Wednesday argument stopped without a time to come back, and the Sunday check-in depended on someone remembering it. One routine the two of them could agree on, if Karim wants to, and one thing to talk about:

• The routine: “At nine, Karim checks the kitchen on weekdays and Ines at the weekend, and whoever checks washes up if the sink is full, without a reminder.”
• The date to look back: “In three Sundays, we look at whether that happened, and whether either of us still had to manage it.”
• What they could talk about: what keeping track is like for Ines, and what repeated reminders are like for Karim.

This routine has the form “if this happens, then I do that”. Such plans have helped people act on their intentions, especially when people rehearsed them.^[5] The studies covered goals in general and do not show whether this plan works for two partners; the three weeks are only an example.

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Going forward: together, if you both want

How can we look back on it together?

If you both want to, you can look back together on the date you set, each telling your own account of what happened, without deciding who is at fault. You do not have to agree on every detail to compare what each of you noticed.

• When and where: a calm moment you both agreed on, some time after an argument; side by side or on a walk may feel less formal than sitting across a table.
• How to ask: “Can we look at the dishes plan on Sunday? I’d like to hear how it went for you too.”
• How to start: each of you says one thing that worked and one that did not, without replying yet: “From my side, it went better at first and then slipped. How did it look from your side?”
• If your partner says “not now”: you can ask whether another time would suit, and look back on your own in the meantime.
• If it turns into the same argument: you can stop and come back to it: “I think we’re back in the argument itself. Can we stop here and look at it again later?”
• If you live apart or are rarely home at the same time: a short message or a call can do the same: “Could we each send one thing that worked and one that didn’t with the plan?”

Karim might say that the plan was to wash up later and that the week got busy. That is Karim’s account; it does not cancel Ines’s.

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Going forward: more help

When is it time for more help?

You can look for more help at any point, and you do not have to try harder first. Couples counselling can be one option when the same argument keeps coming back after attempts from both of you.

Support for yourself alone is also an option if you feel you are the only one trying, or when the question has become whether to stay.

If Ines and Karim reach the date they set and the routine did not happen, or one of them still had to manage it, that is information about the attempt, not a failure of either of them. It can also be a point to look for other help.